the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
