The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
