last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
meet me or not, i'm out of control
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
