We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
