the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
