I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
