when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
