matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
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Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
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Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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