I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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