I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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