did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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