I wish I could punch you in the face.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
