A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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