i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
