I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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