In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
