I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize