mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
