when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
