Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
