First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
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I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
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I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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