How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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