I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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