my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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