I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
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Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
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I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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