i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
