I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
