my phone needs a breathalizer
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I can't put those talents on a resume
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
