Even the bartender felt bad for me
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
