why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
