Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
