I think I died a long time ago.
i dont even know how to be here
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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