Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Never joke about your clitoris.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
