I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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