I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i need some magic done to my vagina
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Damn victory sex feels great
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
