I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
