I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
