Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
