i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
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im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
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Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize