I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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