My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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