Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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