I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
