Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
