It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
