I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
