when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
