I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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