my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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