my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Slut skills are useful in every country.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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