There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
