somebody snuck up and got me drunk
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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