If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
