we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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