I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
A+ Viking dick
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
