I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
