the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
