Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
