I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
