I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
