Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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